It's been more than two years since I received my last paycheck from a newspaper company. In that time, I've had the opportunity to advocate for local newspapers that remain relevant to their communities. That advocacy keeps running into tiresome arguments that are as yellow as old faded newsprint.

No matter what facts you use to extinguish them, they find a way to flare up later. During National Newspaper Week, consider the following collection of statements that numb the mind, along with a suggestion: When you encounter them, just turn the page, click to the next story or call timeout to...